My notebooks are generally filled with a lot of strange and sometimes wondrous things, some of it angry, some of it humorous, some of it both. I try to whip it into shape here, but since I usually update this site at 3 or 4 am when I’m a little punchy, one never knows what might end up online.
This time I’m going to stick with something funny (hopefully) and save the rage for another day. Anyway, hope you enjoy it.
THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR AT THE DINNER TABLE:
1. “So nowadays I have to go to church to get a blowjob.”
2. “Here’s your Diet Coke, Mr. Limbaugh.”
3. “Wanna buy a blackmarket hedgehog?”
4. “Santa left a dildo in my christmas stocking.”
5. “Gee, I wish I hadn’t had that orgasm.”
6. ” . . . so I backed over him again, just to make sure.”
7. “Eat your carrots, or I’ll hang you from the ceiling fan by your balls.”
8. “Tomorrow we’re going to move your Uncle Murray into the woodshed.”
9. “The aliens came again last night. This time they decided to fuck all of you in your sleep.”
10. “Rover finally caught his tail last night. Then he exploded.”
11. “Which one of you fuckers stole my cock ring?”
12. “No, Ed, I won’t pass the potatos. They’re my potatos and you can go straight to Hell.”
13. “Kids, I’ve legally changed my name to ‘The Motherfucker’ because, well, that’s what I am.”
14. “Dad, what does it mean if your balls start arguing with each other?”