LESSER CRIME: ROCK MUSIC
Let’s face it: modern rock music sucks donkey balls. I don’t want to hear any weak attempts to convince me I’m wrong by invoking sales statistics or critical acclaim from some rock critic with a tin ear and a smack habit who takes kick-backs from the record companies. Trendoids will always buy whatever they’re told is hot by the media schlockmeisters and the fashion monkeys, as evidenced by the fact that Hootie and the Blowfish’s first CD sold over twelve million units. Hootie and the Blowfish. Blootie and the Ho-fish, Hootie and the Blow Chunks. Whatever. This band is just one more example of the steaming shit that began to spew out of the music industry in the early nineties, bands filled with so much cheese the CDs should have been pressed out of cheddar. Hootie, The Wallflowers, The Gin Blossoms, Soul Asylum. They all sounded exactly the same and they all fulfilled America’s unending desire for mediocre, bland, unoriginal crap.
I went out to buy some music the other day and lo and behold, I found . . . utter garbage. Am I really getting that old? I mean, there are a number of modern bands I like (Tool, No Doubt, Dream Theater) but what happened to variety? How many incestuous boy bands and teen queens can the world stomach before people start upchucking in the aisles at Sam Goody? And they want us to pay $19.95 for one CD!?! I’m not paying three cents for the latest by “99 Backstreet Julio-Town Doing J-lo In Synch Wish We Had Ballsacks.” Christ, am I the only one who wishes Henry Rollins would grab Justin Timberlake by his skinny ankles and beat Ricky Martin to death with him? I’d watch that reality TV show.
Remember when musicians played things called instruments? I suppose some of you might be too young to remember that. It was great. Men and women who could actually create music of their own, and would even come to town occasionally to play their songs for us. You’d buy a ticket (without getting a second mortgage on your house) and show up with two or three thousand other people and proceed to jump, scream, dance and throw up all over each other. *Sigh* Them was the days.
Real music started to die right around the time real breasts became unpopular. Music and breasts are the same now: over-inflated, less sensitive, plasticized chew toys for the masses of infants in this country with too much money on their hands.
I’ll just end this by saying that there is something wrong when an artist like Tori Amos still has very little name recognition while Puff Daddy (or P. Diddy or Puff Penis or whatever he’s called now) drives around in a solid gold Rolls Royce he got by singing(?) someone else’s song.
Asshole.
God help me, I am a veritable font of Heavy Metal trivia. I can name the guitar player from Quiet Riot circa 1982. I know what Dokken’s “Kiss of Death” is really about. I know who Udo Dirkschneider is. Pity me.
I’ve always been drawn to hard rock, from my fragile grade school years up to the present day. It represents a purging for me, a way to get rid of frustration and other negative emotions that might otherwise get bottled up. Turn it on, crank it up and shake it loose, man.
It all started for me with Kiss. For a nine-year old boy, Kiss was it. Monsters, aliens, hot chicks and rock and roll. I loved the whole gig, and you know, that music still stands up. Despite the breathing of fire and spitting of blood, they did have musical talent. I saw their reunion tour in 1995, and it gave me the biggest woody of my life. Oh, yeah.
But I do believe the 80′s style of metal still has it over the newer stuff. Modern metal is all about angst and depression, melancholy shit that doesn’t inspire the adrenaline rush of old school metal. Eighties metal was all anger and sex. I understand that. It pumps a person up rather than pulling them under.
Back in the day we had Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, Ozzy, AC/DC, Motley Crue, Guns-n-Roses, Accept, Krokus, Metallica, Megadeth, real Van Halen and Queensryche, bands whose entire purpose was to blow your hair back with the primal scream of Ibanez guitars and Marshall stacks. Fuck this Rap/Rock crap that started in the 90′s, this empty-headed, whining music that drug itself out of the muck of Seattle. Fuck Nirvana. I don’t want to hear how miserable life is. I want you to get angry and do something about it. Kick me in the fucking stomach with a raging G-chord. I want chunky riffs that might sterilize me on the spot and weld my boots to the floor. That kind of thundering roar is hard to find these days. Thank God for Tool, Velvet Revolver and Megadeth for still putting out music that’s worth a shit.
And I know what you’re thinking: the Hair. Yes, yes the hair got out of control. Sorry. I’m embarrassed about it too. I saw Whitesnake in the late 80′s, and I swear to God, David Coverdale’s hair was actually a living entity, waving at the crowd and singing back-up. Dave was only about 5′ 1″, but with the hair he was 6′ 9″. I have no problem with long hair, but when it looks like you’ve super glued a giant sea-sponge to your head, it’s time to step back and get a grip on reality.
Most of you anti-metal people are such hypocrites anyway. I see all you bastards singing along when “Welcome to the Jungle” comes on the radio. Don’t tell me you didn’t buy those records. Someone bought 40 million Poison albums, you lying fucks. At least I admit I liked the music, and still do. I bought Twisted Sister, the Scorpions, Ratt and Great White. I can still recite the lyrics to every song on Dio’s first two solo records. I destroyed my 1st car driving home from a Queensryche concert in freaking iced over January weather. That’s dedication for you.
Now, for you youngsters out there who might be intrigued by my musical ramblings but were born too late to know good music from your own assholes, here’s a list of my top 20 metal albums of all time. Buy these CDs, used if you have to, kids.
1. Operation Mindcrime ‘ Queensryche
2. Blizzard of Oz ‘ Ozzy Osbourne
3. Paranoid ‘ Black Sabbath
4. Back in Black ‘ AC/DC
5. Powerslave ‘ Iron Maiden
6. Defenders of the Faith ‘ Judas Priest
7. Master of Puppets ‘ Metallica
8. Van Halen ‘ Van Halen
9. Rust in Peace ‘ Megadeth
10. Holy Diver ‘ Dio
11. Appetite for Destruction ‘ Guns-n-Roses
12. Allied Forces ‘ Triumph
13. Fair Warning ‘ Van Halen
14. Headhunter ‘ Krokus
15. Screaming for Vengeance ‘ Judas Priest
16. Peace Sells . . . but Who’s Buying? ‘ Megadeth
17. Piece of Mind ‘ Iron Maiden
18. Diary of a Madman ‘ Ozzy Osbourne
19. Destroyer ‘ Kiss
20. Heaven and Hell ‘ Black Sabbath