Damn, I love E-bay. For a self-professed packrat, there is nothing better than a yard sale that encompasses the whole freakin’ planet. I love junk. My home looks like someone pried the roof up and emptied a second-hand store into it. When I die, my relatives will go mad trying to sort through all the crap I have stuffed in closets, boxes, crates, chests, drawers, bags, dressers, cabinets, suitcases, jars, bottles, canisters, sacks, armoires, bureaus and cubby holes.
Things I’ve bid on: paintings, roman coins, 17th, 18th and 19th century books, cartoon art, confederate currency, sculpture, comic books and computer monitors.
Things I’ve sold: paintings, illustrations, comic books, antique dog licenses, masonic memorabilia and miscellaneous doodads out the ass. The more I sell, the more I bid on, so I suppose this will turn out to be a giant zero-sum equation for me.
Sometimes I’m stunned by the sheer audacity of certain E-bay sellers. You’ve probably heard of the guy who was offering one of his kidneys to the highest bidder, or the other dude selling ass whuppings. I was never sure if he was offering beatings to masochists or if you could buy an ass kicking for someone else. Anyway, these two geniuses got bounced from the site after their listings garnered the attention of the E-bay police. Speaking of which, E-bay must employ a small army of content watchers just to catch all the freaks, frauds and maniacs trying to scam people. I’ve never had any trouble myself, but then I’ve never bid on anything weirder than a lava lamp, so I guess I’m safe. I did at one point consider trying to sell the rights to a song I wrote called, “I sold my cock on E-bay,” but I figured I’d lose all the profits dealing with lawsuits anyway, so why bother?
Here’s a thought: if prostitution was legal, can you imagine the E-bay section it would produce? Actually, prostitution is legal in Nevada, so why can’t they sell appointments on-line? Gift certificates would be big sellers, man. Surely someone else has thought of this.
I just heard about a woman who sold a half-eaten sandwich that looked like the Virgin Mary for something like $15,000. Shit, I’ve been practicing, and I can’t get my sandwiches to look like anyone except Eddie Van Halen. How much for one of those?
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The following is a partial list of all the people in the world, living or dead, who can, with or without the help of their families, blow me:
Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson, the George Bushes, the Vatican (et al), the Democratic Party, the Republican Party, Jesse Helms (twice), Newt Gingrich, the Backstreet Boys (when they’re done blowing each other), David Duke, Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Ariel Sharon, Yaser Arafat, Donald Trump, those Reality TV motherfuckers, Bill Clinton (there’s a switch), Geraldo, Paris Hilton, all telemarketers, computer virus hacks, Jenna Jameson, Al Davis, George Steinbrenner, Keeshawn Johnson, Michael Irvin, Ken Lay, Spammers, U2, Televangelists, William Shatner’s hairpiece, the guys who sell drugs on the Footbridge in Missoula Montana, Fabio, Puff Daddy, Cosmo Magazine, Halliburton, Bristol Meyers Squibb, RJ Reynolds, Walmart, Doctor Phil, J-Lo, Wayne LaPierre, Mike Tyson, Jerry Springer, Toby Keith, the Crocodile Hunter, Michael Jackson, Louis Farrakhan, Prince Charles, Sauron, Milosevic, Jerry Falwell, NSYNC, Dick Cheney, yer mama, Opus Dei, John Ashcroft, Eminem, Ronald Reagan, Naomi Cambell, Joan Rivers, Pat Buchanon, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera (Please?), Hitler, Andy Warhol, Picasso, L. Ron Hubbard, Joe McCarthy, Stalin, Mao, Mussolini, Nixon, Ayn Rand, yer mama (again), Custer, Al Capone, Pope Pius XII, Nathan Bedford Forrest and Ho Chi Minh.